5 Horror Films You Probably Haven't Seen. And Probably Still Shouldn't. You've Been Warned.

Disclaimer: the films discussed briefly in this list of five are not in any particular order. Nor does their inclusion mean any sort of endorsement for quality. Selections were made in the following scientific process--sit in chair, think of the first five horror movies that most people haven't seen. The fact that they popped into my head is symbolic of their lasting impression for various reasons including their decided lack of quality or gratuitous depravity.

1 - Chaos, 2005. Ebert dropped a zero-star rating on this film and the director, David DeFalco, took offense and debated the issue, calling this a "cautionary tale." The back and forth became so heated, I rented the damn thing and haven't forgotten it since. It is unforgettable in a brutal way, with violence piled on top of grimace-inducing violence dripping from a tired film that earned its zero star rating. 

Interpolation: the next day, slightly shaken from the film, I described my physical reaction in watching it to a friend at work. He asked to borrow the DVD and returned it in almost the same physical state as I was. This film is sort of like that VHS from "The Ring," it stains you. Do not under any circumstances watch this film. Which means you probably will. 

2 - Antichrist, 2009. Lars Von Trier is known for artsy films that provoke. This one is like someone dared him to made the most cringe-inducing art film possible. If you ever want to utter the words, "I watched this critically-acclaimed artsy movie last night where Willem Dafoe get his nuts bashed with a board, and that's not the worst that happens," this is the movie for you. Comparing the violence in this film with Chaos, I asked Roger Ebert why ANTICHRIST could be unforgettable and violent and full of despair and is a good movie, and CHAOS is a bad one. He answered, "This is a good and perhaps imponderable question. I think because ANTICHRIST has a larger idea behind it." 

3 - The Descent, 2005. Saw this at a theater, thinking it was like "Open Water" only with caves. The humanoid creatures in said caves were surprising, and the lighting and claustrophobia made me want to take a shower when this one was over. I'm shocked that more people haven't seen this; I think it's one of the most effective horror films of the last decade. 

4 - The Human Centipede 2, 2011. Good God, I hate you Richard DeBrobander, the friend and culprit behind telling me the stories of the most brutal, depraved, thoughtless, pointless, destructive piece of torture porn ever put together. "It's banned in the UK," he said. I caught an advance screening with a TON of cuts made (to make it not banned anymore) and I wish I could get a mental mulligan on this one. The worst, worst, worst horror film I've ever seen. I found myself--me, Mr. Horror Movie Guy--looking away from the screen and at a few points getting queasy. I don't recommend it. Seriously. Don't see it.  "But what's it about?" Well, a parking lot attendant obsessed with the first human centipede film decides to capture 12 people and attach them, mouth to behind, to form one long . . . thing. This "surgery" is performed with rusty tools in an old warehouse. The camera does not pan away for much of it. The games he plays with his contraption are depraved and evil and make me fear for mankind, since an actual human thought of these things and put it on film.  If you watch it, you will hate me. And Richard DeBrobander. 

5 - We Need to Talk About Kevin, 2011. You haven't seen this because it's not out yet. Dark, effective, disturbing in psychological ways. A modern horror film of epic proportions that will give many parents a dark night of the soul.